Ever felt overwhelmed by your child's strong-willed behaviour? You are definitely not alone. Many parents go through this, and it’s important to handle the subject with empathy and understanding.
At Happy Thoughts Co., I am all about real, practical advice that actually helps. Here are some tips and stories to help you manage these tricky behaviours.
Understanding What's Going On:
Kids often try to control situations because it makes them feel safe. It’s not about being difficult on purpose. They might be struggling with confidence, scared of failing or just feeling misunderstood.
With most children I’ve worked with who have acted in bullying ways, there is always an underlying hurt that they are trying to cover up with anger. Recognising this can make a big difference in how you respond.
Emma’s Story: A Real Example:
Let’s talk about Emma, a bright and lively 10-year-old who had some serious controlling behaviours. Her parents were at their wits' end, constantly tiptoeing around to avoid her outbursts. Things got worse when Emma moved to a new school, feeling even more out of control.
Through lots of patience and understanding, her parents figured out that Emma’s behaviour was her way of dealing with anxiety. This realisation was a game-changer for them.
Practical Tips for Managing Dominating Behaviour:
1. Show Empathy
Empathy is your best friend here. Try to see things from your child's perspective. When they act out, they are usually expressing a need or fear. Acknowledge their feelings with something like, "I can see you are really upset right now. Let’s talk about what’s bothering you." Choose the right moment to approach this, as sometimes asking this question in the heat of the moment could make the situation worse.
2. Stick to Routines
Kids thrive on routine. Having a predictable daily schedule helps them feel secure. Simple routines for meals, homework, and bedtime can make a big difference.
3. Communicate Clearly and Calmly
When you need to address your child's behaviour, stay calm. Use simple, clear language to explain why their behaviour isn’t okay and what you expect instead. Avoid power struggles by giving them choices, like, "Do you want to do your homework now or after a short break?"
4. Praise Positive Behaviour
Focus on the good stuff. When your child shows self-control or cooperates, celebrate it! Positive reinforcement can boost their confidence and encourage better behaviour.
5. Be Realistic
Change takes time. Set achievable goals and be patient. Acknowledge their efforts and keep supporting them. It’s all about progress, not perfection.
6. Teach Problem-Solving
Help your child learn how to solve problems. When conflicts happen, guide them through figuring out the problem, thinking of solutions, and deciding what to do. This helps them become more independent and less controlling.
7. Teach by Example
Show your child how to interact with peers by modelling the behaviours yourself. Imagine you are in the car and a driver cuts you off. You might yell at them. While this is not ideal, you can show your child in that moment of anger that you managed to snap yourself out of it and calm down. Teaching your child self-regulation in times of anger, sadness, or anxiousness is the best gift you could give them.
Tips on Teaching Your Child Not to Bully:
1. Discuss the Impact of Bullying
Have open conversations about how bullying affects others. Use age-appropriate language to explain that bullying can hurt people’s feelings and make them feel sad or scared. Encourage empathy by asking, "How would you feel if someone did that to you?"
2. Role-Playing Scenarios
Role-playing can be a powerful tool. Act out different scenarios where your child might encounter bullying, either as a victim, a bystander, or even as a potential bully. Discuss the best ways to handle each situation, reinforcing positive behaviours and responses.
3. Encourage Positive Peer Interactions
Encourage your child to play and interact with a variety of peers. Diverse social interactions can help them develop better social skills and understand different perspectives. Praise them when they show kindness and cooperation.
4. Teach Assertiveness, Not Aggression
Teach your child the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Assertiveness involves standing up for oneself and others in a respectful way, while aggression involves trying to dominate or harm others. Role-playing can also be useful here.
5. Monitor Media Consumption
Be mindful of the media your child consumes. Television shows, movies, and games that depict bullying or aggressive behaviour can influence your child’s actions. Choose media that promotes positive interactions and discuss any negative behaviours they might see.
6. Create a Safe and Open Environment
Make sure your child feels safe to talk about their feelings and experiences. Encourage them to share any instances of bullying they witness or experience. Assure them that they can always come to you for support and guidance.
Moving from Control to Influence:
Instead of trying to control every aspect of your child's behaviour, focus on influencing them positively. Be a role model, stay consistent, and create a space where they feel trusted and respected.
A Simple Exercise: The Influence Box
Here’s a quick exercise to help shift your focus. Draw two boxes on a piece of paper. In the first box, write down the things you want to control (e.g., your child's temper, and homework habits). In the second box, list what you can do to influence these (e.g., staying calm, giving clear instructions, setting a good example).
Notice how the actions in the influence box are things you can actually do, while the outcomes in the control box aren’t directly in your hands. This helps you focus on what you can manage and reduces frustration.
Final Thoughts:
Dealing with a dominating child is tough, but with empathy, understanding, and some practical tips, you can make things better. Remember, your child isn’t enjoying their behaviour any more than you are. By focusing on what you can influence, you help them find healthier ways to express themselves and manage their emotions.